the ridiculous art of parking

So I was driving into town yesterday and dreading those materialistic parking meters - I think there are only in it for the money- because suddenly not only do I have to have change in my pocket but only quarters and loonies will suffice. I realized I had made the dreaded mistake of using my change a few days prior to tip my server and a frantic quest for quarters resulted. While this appears to be an average, ordinary, and daily behaviour, I assure you it led to something much more disturbing. While I was digging through every crevice in my vehicle and simultaneously cursing the lurking meter persons (I am convinced they are all agents of the antichrist), I began to wonder: who the fuck becomes a meter person? Is there some inner drive in certain people to not only be ridiculed and dreaded but generally just despised? Or is it one of those underappreciated jobs that are necessary for the society to function properly, such as: being a garbage collector, working as a dish pig in the restaurant industry, cleaning public restrooms, or high school guidance counsellors?

Are meter people the result of a failed attempt to becoming a cop? I know working as a security guard (yes that was the high point of my employment history) that the security field is riddled with wannabe police - maybe a secret need to manipulate, power trip, and legally bully random members of society lies in the hearts of most parking people. Do parking people believe they are a respected member of society? Did they ever, prior to their illustrious careers as parking people, curse other parking people?

Upon realizing I did not have the appropriate change, I dreaded going into the store across the street to request change for a toonie. I've realized this is a lingering dread that is a direct result of living in Vancouver and having paranoid, irrational store owners that believe when requesting change I actually had the intention of: a) robbing them while get change, b) scamming them with counterfeit money (likely to happen one measly dollar at a time), or c) the five dollar bill I'm holding is invisible and I'm actually panhandling for change. I find the provoked response varies between one or all of the above in a direct correlation with how many of my tattoos / piercings are visible. This had led to an inner cringing at the innocent request for change. After defeating myself in an inner battle (and receiving a few odd looks for standing on the sidewalk vacantly staring at my truck's hood), I was determined to get my quarters.

As fate would have it, the store owner amiably obliged in providing change for my toonie (1 loonie, three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel - thus proving the guy has never parked at a parking meter in the past decade or else he would have known dimes and nickels, in the realm of parking, are comparable to the one dollar bills in Monopoly - completely useless and makes one wonder why they even exist...but that is another rant altogether. On this fateful day, however, he not only made change but happened to be an inside man in the mysteriously crappy realm of parking. He informed me that there was only one parking person patrolling (I had to stifle a laugh at that particular term but it did, in an offhand way, answer the wannabe cop question) because...your not going to believe this one....the other parking person was DRAGGING THE LAKE FOR A BODY! Can you believe that? Is that what all parking people do in their off time or is that one of the pre-requisites of the job? Must be able to handle criticism and verbal abuse, be obsessed with appropriate change, oh, and not vomit at the idea of pulling a corpse out of the lake. Unfucking believable. Nelson is a small town (roughly 35 000) but not only are there city police but there is also an RCMP detachment here...its not like there is a shortage of cops to go looking for dead bodies. Why was it necessary for one of the parking people to do it? Did he volunteer? If he did, didn't the police see that action as kind of creepy?

I will certainly never, ever think of parking people in the same light, ever again. And if you haven't seen it yet, I recommend watching the mocumentary (which must have been filmed in Vancouver) that delves into the phenomenon of the parking people entitled "The Delicate Art of Parking." The humour is subtle as it presents itself as an actual documentary and it drags a little at times but it does aim to answer many of the questions I have presented here.